Saturday, June 25, 2016

purchasing new underwear for my broken heart

Hiii...  (sheepish wave)  It's been a such a very long time, dear reader, and I hope you've been well.

Definitely a wild - and special - few months.  Finances have slowly stabilized.  I'm no longer living off of 25¢ per wk.  Maybe regular readers remember my very first blog, when I ranted about wanting a pair of sheets.  I didn't even have the expendable income to purchase a new pair of sheets (beating my flat chest)!!!  Well, I was finally able to buy a new pair of sheets ... and ... wait for it (a sly Jeff Goldblum smile) ... and a comforter too.  HUZZAH the joy of bedding bliss.  I've been able to afford things I spent alot of time daydreaming about.  Little things; nothing extravagant.  I'm still not able to afford a month in France practicing the language.  Drooling dreaming more drooling because je veux parler fran├žais so bad.  Nothing like that, but I've been able to afford day-to-day items like new bedding, new shoes, new dresses for work, and lightbulbs (which featured in another blog).

Here's one of the best Jeff Goldblum quotes:
I, uh, don't think I'm, y'know, so different than your average, y'know, average.

I've written before that I never create an outline for my blogs.  I sit and let a post flow from my fingers.  So unexpectedly, I suppose that paragraph above Jeff is the most therapeutic update I can write during a month that's been emotionally rough.  I suppose I should remember progress I've made; trust that I can continue to make progress.  But, more than anything, I've felt bogged down by everyday minutia - groceries, more laundry, another email, finishing another book, rewatching a favorite movie.  It may be a bit of a depression because, when I watch a favorite film, I feel nothing.

My boyfriend dumped me.  He started breaking up with me in early May, and the rest of that month turned out to be us attempting to negotiate the terms of our relationship, but the last time I saw him was 2 June...  Before I say anything more about this breakup, let me mention something significant:

I've dated.  There was the friend in high school I was passionately attached to, and looking back now, in quite a dramatic and overwhelming way - he's The Orchestra Conductor.  There was my college boyfriend of five yrs, who is now meditating on a mountain in California - The Buddhist Monk. There was the lesbian lover - Stepharoni - whom I hear is well with a kiddo, which is great. There were also people I didn't click with and whom I left quickly and ruthlessly - fittingly, in my memory those folks are grouped together, their faces are fuzzy, and I cannot remember half of their names.  So I've dated.  I've done it casually.  I've done it seriously, investing buckets of hope and time.  I've done it with love and without.  Being 33 and single once again, I certainly know how to move on.

Over the past twenty-three days of grieving the loss of my boyfriend (not ready for the ex yet), I haven't held my sadness in a black hole.  Against the mirror of my past, I know this was a serious relationship for me.  No, he wasn't a rocket scientist.  Yes I do know one or two of this smarty pants type, and everyone thinks I should be with a big brain.  (shaking my head no)  I was very happy with my sportsy boyfriend going off for a day of golfing while I read Kaitlyn Greenidge's debut novel. There was a night when I handed my heart to this man, and I enjoyed investing buckets of hope and time into us.  I want him to be happy.  I want to be happy.  I wish that we could be happy together.

The paragraph above is stage four of grieving.  I'm stepping into the final phase, stage five, "accepting the departed partner will not return" - or so I've read on several sites...  I'm beginning to move on, even if I'm doing so reluctantly.  If only because my life is moving on, and I've got to keep up.  There are more day-to-day items to purchase like new underwear, long socks, my first iPhone.

Last weekend I saw The Lobster with two friends, and it's ridiculously dark - and I'M saying that, the woman who revels in all matters dark.  But there were funny moments, and there isn't much that delights me more than dark deathly humor - I die laughing.  In The Lobster, which was so over the top I absolutely couldn't take it seriously, there's a scene when hermits who live in woods enter into the city for a shopping spree. The camera motion slows during this scene, and the music waltzes, as us viewers watch the actors' faces stare at price tags and compare items that are basically identical expect for varying brand names.  Similarly, my life has become about money and buying things - in a very real way, I'm a walking example of capitalism. How am I choosing to get over my boyfriend:  I'm planning to go out and buy undies - preferably from Gap, since their clothes fit me best.  Jesus.

Now that we're on the subject of movies, I've been picked up by a community theatre to produce for them.  On this blog I've lamented before that I don't have any producer cred.  Well, that's about to change, and this brings me one step closer to producing my screenplays.  The play I'll be producing is Shakespeare's comedy Love's Labour's Lost (set in space), and I'll keep you updated about this portion of my creative path where I learn to produce a play.  Like I said, life is moving on.    I just wish it were moving forward with my handsome babycakes.

wrapping up with an oldie dedicated to the incredible DPV

Undies!  New bedding!  And a summer of unimagined possibilities.  Thanks to YOU for reading xo.